Adrian Boyle
by on December 29, 2021
I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(C-PTSD), and it is honestly the hardest thing for me to attempt to understand. I'm finding it infuriating that I have such a hard time understanding myself, my mind.. practically anything really.
Not to mention I've found out that C-PTSD is the psychiatric equivalent of cancer, and it can very well be life threatening to me.. I assume this is where my incessant suicidal thoughts come into play.. *sigh*
My social skills are next to dead in the road.
I struggle with understanding people and situations, in a way that I don't remember struggling when I was younger...
I struggle with affection, seeing it, experiencing it, giving it... either I don't do enough, or I over do it. Or something..
I over or under compensate how I behave with people depending on the vibe I get from them.
I struggle with interpreting people.. your expressions, your vocal tones. Are you joking? Are you serious? Did I do or say something wrong? No.. no I must just be reading everything wrong... I'm always wrong.
I over and under react, in the wrong situations, or my reaction is delayed because I simply can't process situations the way I should be able to. Or I was totally aware but also drifting so it wasn't delayed to me, but to everyone else, I'm late to the party..
I space out, but it's not actually spacing out..
I'm floating above myself watching someone else drive my body and my life.
Then when I look back at these times of dissociation or whatever, I barely remember anything. I feel like a shadow of myself, staring in the mirror at a stranger who wears a face I think I should recognize. But then there's no mirror, I'm just somehow there and not there...
I feel like I don't feel properly. My emotions are all fuzzy and mix together way too much; I cannot differentiate between the swirling tides which reside silently screaming behind my eyes. I might laugh at you when I'm mad, or cry with despair when I'm actually happy.. feel depressed when fulfilled, or completely serene while contemplating suicide and feeling dead inside...
I have a warped memory.. like if you were to read a book of my life from my perspective, there would be random blank pages and paragraphs. Sentences cut off randomly, and when it starts again, it's no where near or about when it left off.
I can't keep focus. I lose my thoughts. I forget things said not 5 seconds past. Writing this.. I've been at it for over an hour, trying to recollect myself and my thoughts. I've forgotten multiple points I wanted to say already, they're there still, but I can't locate them. Can you? No, if i can't, how can anyone else..
I don't even know if any of this makes sense.. But if you're still reading, then thank you for giving your time and attempt at understanding. Trust me, I know how strange and unreal this all seems.
I've had thoughts that I'll never admit to anyone, knowing they're not my own... But they come from me, so how can they not be?
But then, I'm told I was reprogrammed by a narcissistic sociopath. That the thoughts, feelings and experiences are a result of a conditioning designed to keep me contained, controlled..
It's been so long now, I thought I would have come farther. But looking honestly, I've made a lot of steps, unfortunately I haven't actually moved that far forward. Not all my moves have been forward, sometimes I'm putting myself back without even realizing it..
I don't want to believe that this is me.
I'm in a damn nightmare
Why can't I just wake up?
Unfortunately.. this person, this shattered mind, clawing desperately to piece itself back together.. this is me now. I cannot deny it.
I don't say this in defeat, despite the fact that I have never felt more defeated.
I say it in hopes of acceptance.
Acceptance of myself
Acceptance of my path
I want to heal
I'm drowning in myself
I don't need to be saved
I just need a little help
I get asked "how? How can i help?"
I'm sorry, truly
But if I knew how to help myself
I wouldn't ask anyone else.
I cannot explain what I need, because what I'm missing is inexplicable.
Other than at least try
Try to understand:
He took away my voice
He took away my body
He took away my mind
He took away my heart
He took away my life
And it's hard learning to live again
Posted in: Education, Health
Like (27)
Love (17)
Sad (5)
Gloria Dahl
Im so very very sorry. Put all your trust in the grace of our Lord and he will heal you. ?
December 30, 2021
Janet Leikam
Hugs to you. You have come a long way just being able to voice/write it. are strong. And if you forget, I'll remind you.
December 30, 2021 edited
Donna Henken
Sending love and light to you
December 31, 2021
Caribou Jade Levora
Your value is immeasurable, you are so loved, so accepted, priceless. I feel so privileged to have met you here. You're a beautiful mama. I hope your healing is continuing. Fear is a huge thing to overcome. We can overcome it. Strength waits on the other side of fear. It's always been there we just ... View More
January 28, 2022 edited
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Adrian Boyle
thank you. I am healing more everyday. I can thank Brandon for a lot of that. Even last night, I woke from a nightmare, and he woke up and asked what was wrong. We laid in bed for 30 minutes talking about it and how to heal and how we can help each other too.
January 28, 2022